Say what you will, you have to admit you love tracking your packages. Come on! You can admit it! There are more shameful things to love. At least I am ashamed.
So, I ordered a Christmas Tree In A Box. Assembly is required, apparently. I'm all about assembly. Unless it's cold in there, then if it's cheerleader day, I'm not going. Because that skirt's too darn short and those knee socks don't do a thing to keep your knees warm.
Where was I?
Oh, yeah! So, I said to myself: I gotta get this. Who doesn't love a Christmas tree that doesn't dry out and catch on fire, burning down the house? So, I ordered this thing, and waited for my notification from Barnes and Noble that it had been shipped.
A week passed. What the heck? I can't afford to wait a WEEK! It's Christmastime! I need action now! What if I don't get action?!
I knew Jeanette had ordered the same tree. So I asked Jeanette: when's your tree shipping? She said, it hasn't shipped yet.
Oh, we knew what this meant. Because we shop at Trader Joe's. We knew that this meant that Barnes and Noble once offered the tree kit, but it since sold out, and now they didn't have any and wouldn't be getting any, and they were struggling for a tactful way to tell us we'd have to wait until Easter for our Christmas Tree In A Box. Have a nice day.
So, I had my response all ready. I composed it in my head. It went: 'Look, Buster. It's bad enough that you're calling it a Christmas Tree In A Box. What if I want the tree, but I don't celebrate Christmas? HUH? Have you heard nothing about this? That you're not supposed to even CALL it a Christmas tree? So there's your first offense.'
My next paragraph went something like this: 'Now, you get that box of whatever it is, and you send it over here now. And for what I paid for it, it better have a manger scene in it, too. And I want ALL the wise men. Not just Lemuel.'
In my head, this response read like genius. I felt it covered all the bases.
Then, first thing the next morning, before I could even send them a threat to say I was sending them a snotty letter, I'd received an email from Barnes and Noble (aka: Buster). They were packing my order! I was so excited!
Then a few minutes later, I received another urgent alert. My order was on the verge of shipping!
It was incredible! Soon, I would have my own Christmas Tree In A Box!
A couple of hours later, I got another notice. My order was about to ship, and if I wanted, I could even track it.
I started to feel uneasy. Why did they keep writing to me? Was there something wrong? Maybe there was something wrong, and they were just trying to cover for the fact that they didn't have my tree and they never would have it, and they were sending, instead, a to-scale replica of their newest super-store in Glendora, suitable for framing.
In spite of my eager anticipation, I was feeling a bit urpy.
I contacted Jeanette. I said, Jeanette, I have a question. And she said, who is this?
I said, I keep getting notices repeatedly from Barnes and Noble, all saying the same thing! What does it mean?!
And here's what she told me:
You clod. Everyone knows how this works. In fact, if you'll simply refer to your Barnes and Noble Email Notification Sequence Standards, it's all there, in black and white:
1) Thank you for your order!
2) Your order has been scheduled to ship
3) Your order has been packed and is ready to ship
4) Your order has been shipped
5) Your order is on the truck!
6) Your order is in Des Moines while your driver enjoys a meal, some meth, and the services of Brittani, one of the truck stop girls
7) Your order is on the highway between Chilecothe and West Bend and is currently being crushed by a Harry and David Ham of the Month
8) Your order is approaching L.A. County!
9) Dear Customer: Sorry for the inconvenience; the truck carrying your order was hurled into a ditch by a Santa Ana
10) Your order is back on the road!
11) Your order was accidentally delivered to the front porch of a militia compound in Lancaster
12) We hope you've enjoyed shopping with us!
So.
I feel much better.
4 comments:
I was thinking I might get a box-able tree this year. Yes, I don't have one up yet. So let me ask you this since you've already invested the research time: Did you get a pre-lit one? I mean, if you're going to go and make things all easy then why not get the lit one? And if you get a lit one what happens when a bulb goes out? Do they all go out? Then do you have to track down Buster to see if they have replacement bulbs that are only available in May? I know, I'm procrastinating. I should go down to the seasonal farmer's market and purchase a real tree to keep the little guy in business because I love the way he has his yard all decorated with little strings of lights all draped around and I can appreciate how cold it must be every night standing there eager to bag a tree for me in his flannel quilted coat. (Plus I love his yellow and red cherries in the summer - what are those kind called?). I think I'm starting to convince myself I should do that instead of putting more cash into the pockets of the Home Depot guys who sell the boxed ones. So nevermind....hopefully tomorrow night it won't be raining because that would not be fun to stand and pick out the perfect tree and have it make puddles in my living room and then electrocute me when I get all rushed to put some lights on it. Carp, now the boxed one sounds better.
You are so cute!
Hi Chris, LOVED your post about the tree in a box! It reminded me of the time my hubby and I were tracking the shipment of a new car from Mexico... it was SUCH fun seeing where it was along the way! The only thing better would have been if they'd attached a camera to the car, so it could SHOW us where it was!!! :D
Thanks for visiting my blog and for leaving a comment, happy holidays!
Chris, love your blogs!
Sigh... the Home Depot saga is just as bad.
Bottoms up!
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