What It's Made Of

Note: Excuse the poor formatting in this post. I don't know what the problem is with this program, but it can be endlessly frustrating.

Why do I sometimes wake up in the middle of the night and feel that my life doesn't make sense or has turned upside down?

Oh, sure, there's the insanity defense.

And there's the Twinkie defense, which I've used beyond its legal limit.

But occasionally, my perception takes a turn down some kind of bizarre vector on which I conclude that I've been fooling myself or lying to myself about the most basic parts of my life. This is when I'm convinced I have no talent at all. Additionally, I see myself as an insufferable person, and no one will tell me that I am. It suddenly becomes obvious that I've been horrible to people. Or, that I'm deluded in caring about the things I care about. I don't know what happens to take me to that dark place. It's obviously part paranoia, part self-censorship, maybe part guilt. But whatever it is, I wish it would at least stay confined to the middle of the night, and not bleed over into day.

The past week or so I've been toying with the idea of cashing it all in. You know: art suicide. Cancel the workshops I have coming up, send all my art tools and supplies off to other people, delete this blog and my yahoo! group membership. I don't know what gets into me. Sometimes there's a catalyst for these 'episodes' (for lack of a more descriptive term), and sometimes they seem random. But I've had them in varying frequency as long as I can remember. Sometimes a year or two will go by between them. Lately, it's every few months. This time I believe, because it's been rolling around in my brain for this period, that the catalyst was a very simple event. I had the opportunity to meet in person someone I've been corresponding with online for almost a year. It was a fun and pleasant experience for me. However, I've heard nothing from this person since then. And in the course of trying to figure out why that would be, the simple thought that it was because my behavior or my persona was so horrifyingly bad that I must be a tragically unpleasant person, set me on this current path to self-sabotage.

About 6 months ago, it happened in the same way. Someone I thought I had a connection with abruptly cut things off, and I lost my moorings a bit. Clearly, I have issues, whether behavioral, emotional, or gravitational. But whatever they are, they are about me. We can't make other people do what we want them to, and we can't try to figure them out; we can only be responsible for ourselves.

The catalyst for a particular bout of self-doubt is not always this obvious. Sometimes I doubt everything about my life after I can't balance a bank statement. Or, when I can't get a gel transfer to lift, no matter what I do. Or, if a person decides they want to question my opinion about something I think is important. Or, even if I feel bored for any length of time. Everyone feels bored sometimes, don't they? Is that any reason to start feeling that one's life is a sham? Sure, everyone experiences existential ennui now and then. But is that any reason to question my very nature?

Everyone doesn't have to like everyone. Hell, I don't like anywhere close to everyone! So, why do commonplace events, like someone not staying in touch, turn into rejections? Why, if I can't get one project right, does it mean my entire creative life is a joke? Why, if someone thinks my opinion is twaddle, do I sometimes feel this defines me? I don't know. But I often wonder how professional artists handle the self-doubt and perceived rejection that they have to overcome on their way to professionalism.

But there's a certain point at which one just has to say, this is what I'm made of. The same person who made something beautiful last month hasn't quite gotten it down this time. But next time she will. Or she'll have a great time working at getting it right. The same person who may be, in someone else's view, interesting and funny and generous, is sometimes the same person who is annoying, tedious, and hurtful. Aren't most of us complex creatures? Don't we all have contradictions? I mean, except for this guy.

Of course, you know what makes everything worthwhile, and why all my friends are jealous, is this lovely art community. I have met so many fabulous people. I am very thankful for my journey here. As a friend (who hasn't had the chance to be put off by me in person) recently said to me, 'isn't your blog the place where you can express a part of you that needs expressing?'

And I take those words to heart. Blogging does help me to express things I can't express elswhere.

And really, what's a little Borderline Personality Disorder, between friends?